I don’t even know what to write.

exsanguinousdarling,

I just need to get my feelings out.

How can he keep lying? I don’t understand how he doesn’t care about hurting people and continue to lie over and over again. Is seeing his girlfriend constantly in tears because of him not enough? And to make things worse, when I do call him out on his lies he turns it all around on me and can be so, so horrible. I feel trapped. After arguing I told him we were done, I couldn’t handle being hurt by him anymore after almost 3 years of taking his shit and I wanted him to pack his stuff. All he had to say was ”Shut up, I’m not going anywhere.” No apology for lying and reducing me to tears. No remorse. I’m a fool to think he cares.

So now I have nothing better to do than sit in my bed crying and writing to myself because I have no one to listen. No one cares enough to listen to me when all I need is to just talk to someone. I just need to feel listened to.

As I sit here writing my Step-dad messages me. I think ‘Oh great, he’ll actually ask how I’m doing and I can actually talk to someone.” But no, of course not. He just lets me know that I need to see him this weekend as he has some ”good news” to tell me.

I already know what it is.

His girlfriend is pregnant. The only scrap of ‘family’ I have left is about to start his own family with his new girlfriend. He won’t have time for me. I’m his ex-girlfriends child, why would he? Although he isn’t technically family but he is the only one that bothered staying in contact with me after going into care.

And now with me and Conor being completely broken I am on the brink of being completely alone, again. Nothing but a dead-end job to give me purpose and nothing but regrets and hurt to keep me company.

I could slip away and no one would notice.

What is the fucking point. I’m done.

I don’t even know what to write.

5 thoughts on “I don’t even know what to write.”

  1. fictionatrix says:

    Hi, I am not sure if i am in a position to give any advice, but i recently ended a relationship of 4 years because the guy was making me miserable, it is tough, we tend to build our lives around the one we love and they often dont care. Please take care, I pray you get all the courage you need, but dear you deserve way better than what you have settled for. And dont worry, i know it sounds cliched but you will find people for whom you will mean the world, it doesnt necessarily have to be your boyfriend or your step dad, please do not loose hope, take care!
    Also, this is a great way to vent out, it has helped me ever so often, and incase you need someone to chat with, you could msg me. Be strong!

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      1. fictionatrix says:

        The pleasures all mine! I am very well now, I have learnt to take care of myself! I am glad that my little msg could be of any help to you. Thats the miracle of the internet, when you least expect it, someone might be reading. 🙂
        Be strong, you will find your calling! Take care.

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  2. bambiedee says:

    I have been in your situation, I was with a guy for years, and he destroyed me, that’s the only way to put it, he destroyed my soul, my soft, caring and loving nature. I am still trying to put all the pieces of myself back together. I am still destroyed.
    Never let anyone destroy you! if he isn’t filling you full of confidence, compliment and rejoice then he isn’t for you. he isn’t good for your soul. Noone can tell you to leave him, and you keep telling yourself your not ready, that you’ll give him one more chance, even though he takes a small piece of you with every hurtful action/word but one day he’ll do something that will push you over the edge and you’ll walk. but how much of yourself will you have left?
    your more than welcome to have my personal email address, if you need someone to talk to who is just there for you! you can rant, cry, laugh and smile with me! with no judgement.
    I am here for YOU! 🙂
    and I know this is probably annoying as you’ve probably heard it a million times. but I mean it when I say, Everything will be okay, You will be okay 🙂
    Much Love xx

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